The Weight Game

I was recently in Woodstock with my folks for a weekend and over the course of Saturday afternoon, while standing in the kitchen, we honed in on a favorite topic of conversation: weight. It started with my Dad proudly saying, “I lost 10 pounds over the winter.” My parents pointed their Manson lanterns at my waistline, and my Mom said, “It looks like you’ve lost a few pounds, how much do you weigh?” Dodging questions is unacceptable in my family so I had to answer, “About 145 pounds.” I did a countdown in my head for what I knew was coming.

Mom: “145 pounds!? That’s a lot. I would have thought you were about 125. I weigh 128. Are you sure you weigh that much?”

Dad: “Well, you are rather tall, but it seems like you should weigh less than 145.”

The day progressed and we had a mostly pleasant afternoon. At 6:30 that evening my parent’s friends Sally and Todd came over for dinner. Sally works for public radio and Todd is a photography teacher at a local high school. They enjoy good food and wine, and the evening started off with liberal conversation around the fireplace. My mother was busy in the kitchen getting dinner just right and when everything was in place she clapped her hands and said, “Dinner is served.”

We gathered around the kitchen island, plates in hand, to serve ourselves before moving to the table. Sally and Todd loaded up their plates and sat down. As I dished up brussel sprouts, stuffed lamb, and potatoes on my plate my mother put her arm around me and exclaimed, “You won’t believe how much Kassy weighs. Sally, Todd, how much do you think she weighs? Go ahead, guess, I bet you get it wrong.”

Sally’s expression turned to one of awkward pain and she immediately reached for her wine glass. Todd stared blankly at the fireplace. I recovered from a brief stunned silence and through gritted teeth said, “Let's not play guess how much Kassy weighs.” My mother replied, "Well, I just thought it was interesting to find out you weigh as much as you do."

Top that mom.