A few years ago my older sister got married for the second time. She made a bit of a production over the wedding. She wore a big poufy white dress, had bridesmaids, and a wedding on a beach in Lake Tahoe. I flew out with my Mom and Dad for a week of wedding-palooza.
Before leaving, I was in Woodstock with my folks packing up and getting ready as we travelled together for the event. In the depths of one of my drawers, I pulled out the hideous, satin, lime green dress I wore for my sister’s first wedding in 1987. Ever the family comic, I squeezed my 30-something year old body into it and while parading around the living room said, “Well one down and on to number two in the husband department.”
My mother gave me the stink eye and said, “Your sister may have more marriages than you, but you've had more relationships.”
Top that mom.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
Dogs Are Children Too?
I have a big brown dog. I got her when I lived in Brooklyn and she is a mix of assorted breeds. I brought her home to my apartment in Brooklyn as a puppy over eight years ago. She is a great dog, but she has had more than her share medical woes: ACL surgery on both of her rear knees, Lyme disease, ehrlichia, removal of gross fatty cysts, and most recently auto-immune hemoglobin anemia. I share the fascinating medical history of Poppy, the brown dog, as the cost of her ailments has been significant. What can I say, when you have a dog you commit to a few things and as luck would have it, I ended up with a dog that gets expensive illnesses.
Yesterday was mother’s day and I naturally called my mother to wish her a happy day and to tell her (as promised in Friday’s post) that I love her. I did both and our exchange then proceeded as follows:
Mom: “Happy Mother’s Day to you too.”
Me: “I don’t have children Mom.”
Mom: “Well you have Poppy.”
Me: “Uh, I didn’t birth Poppy.”
Mom: “Well you spend enough money on that dog; she might as well be your child.”
Top that mom.
Yesterday was mother’s day and I naturally called my mother to wish her a happy day and to tell her (as promised in Friday’s post) that I love her. I did both and our exchange then proceeded as follows:
Mom: “Happy Mother’s Day to you too.”
Me: “I don’t have children Mom.”
Mom: “Well you have Poppy.”
Me: “Uh, I didn’t birth Poppy.”
Mom: “Well you spend enough money on that dog; she might as well be your child.”
Top that mom.
Friday, May 9, 2008
What I'll Do For Mother's Day
Mother's Day is this Sunday, don't forget. Growing up there were a few classic orders I received from my mom. I am pretty sure this one is universal:
"Wear clean underwear because you never know when you might be in an accident and need to go to the hospital."
Based on some of the dos and don'ts I have received from my mother over the years, to honor her on Sunday I will:
Wear clean underwear
Vacuum my apartment
Brush my teeth
Tell my mother I love her
I will not:
Run away to New York City as I will likely get beaten by a pimp with a tire iron
Talk with my mouth full
Go to bed angry
Top that mom
"Wear clean underwear because you never know when you might be in an accident and need to go to the hospital."
Based on some of the dos and don'ts I have received from my mother over the years, to honor her on Sunday I will:
Wear clean underwear
Vacuum my apartment
Brush my teeth
Tell my mother I love her
I will not:
Run away to New York City as I will likely get beaten by a pimp with a tire iron
Talk with my mouth full
Go to bed angry
Top that mom
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Be Kind to Your Colon
Meals in my family are and have always been a big deal. When I was a kid we generally ate at least a sit down dinner together. My mother is whiz in the kitchen and given the fact that she is from New Zealand and that my Dad spent a large part of his life outside of the US, we ended up with a lot of European eating habits in our house. For example, salad was always served after the meal, not before or during. Wine with dinner? Well that was a given.
One night after a full meal, my sister and I cleared the dinner plates, and brought the salad plates to the table. My mother started piling on the roughage, of which she was a big fan. I said, “I don’t want salad tonight.”
My mother replied, “You must have salad, you need your roughage.”
“But Mom, I don’t want salad.”
“Kassandra, be kind to your colon. Eat your salad.”
Over the years, any of my friends who came over for dinner and dared to pass on the salad course were told in no uncertain terms to “be kind to their colons.”
Top that mom.
One night after a full meal, my sister and I cleared the dinner plates, and brought the salad plates to the table. My mother started piling on the roughage, of which she was a big fan. I said, “I don’t want salad tonight.”
My mother replied, “You must have salad, you need your roughage.”
“But Mom, I don’t want salad.”
“Kassandra, be kind to your colon. Eat your salad.”
Over the years, any of my friends who came over for dinner and dared to pass on the salad course were told in no uncertain terms to “be kind to their colons.”
Top that mom.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Poetry in the Garage
This from Aaron:
I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze -W. Wordsworth
Nice right? Lovely. That's my mom. Spaced out on Wordsworth and loving life. But she keeps wrecking her car... fuck. I fixed it once, I fixed it twice, I'll fix it twice again. She drives her car out of the garage without sense of space. Happy Mother's day Mom, I love you to death. Watch your mirror.
I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze -W. Wordsworth
Nice right? Lovely. That's my mom. Spaced out on Wordsworth and loving life. But she keeps wrecking her car... fuck. I fixed it once, I fixed it twice, I'll fix it twice again. She drives her car out of the garage without sense of space. Happy Mother's day Mom, I love you to death. Watch your mirror.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Photos and Stories - Send to topthatmom@gmail.com
I have a friend who has a picture on her refrigerator of her mother. The photo was taken in the early 70s and it features my pal's mother, with a cigarette in her right hand, and a highball glass in her left. The highball glass rests oh so gently on her quite pregnant stomach.
Don't get me wrong. My tone is not one of condemnation, after all my friend turned out just fine and the understanding of science was a little different in 1972 than it is today. But this is a classic Top That Mom photo. I am rooting through my trunk of photos to see if I have something worthy of posting on this site. If you have a photo that you would like to send in, please do. And please keep sending your stories, essays, and emails. You can be anonymous if you'd like, after all, Mother's Day is just around the corner and I know my guilt level is rising.
Top that mom.
Don't get me wrong. My tone is not one of condemnation, after all my friend turned out just fine and the understanding of science was a little different in 1972 than it is today. But this is a classic Top That Mom photo. I am rooting through my trunk of photos to see if I have something worthy of posting on this site. If you have a photo that you would like to send in, please do. And please keep sending your stories, essays, and emails. You can be anonymous if you'd like, after all, Mother's Day is just around the corner and I know my guilt level is rising.
Top that mom.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Suffering in Silence
On a recent spring weekend, I was in Woodstock with my folks. They had a little more pep in their step than usual and on Saturday we decided to hike up Mt. Overlook. Overlook is a spectacular section of the Catskills and at the peak is a magnificent view of the town of Woodstock, the Ashokan reservoir, and the Hudson River. The hike is about 5 miles round trip, the path is well cleared, and it is a moderately challenging hike.
We took our time ascending as my folks, both in their 70s, needed frequent breaks to catch their breath. In all fairness, I needed frequent breaks to catch my breath as well. My mother maintained a steady pace of chatter during the 2.5 miles up the mountain and the 2.5 miles back down. On the descent she started to tire and her chatter became more focused. She said, “My legs are tired. Are your legs tired?”
“Yes, Mom,” I answered.
Another few feet and she said, “I am huffing and puffing. Are you out of breath?”
“Yes, Mom.”
Another few feet and she said, “Boy my heart rate is up. Is yours?”
The observations and exclamations continued in this vein for about a mile, my father and I stopped replying, and gently tuned out the commentary coming from my mother. There was a dramatic change in volume and tone and from about 10 feet behind us my mother bellowed, “WELL DON’T MIND ME! I’M JUST SUFFERING IN SILENCE.”
Top that mom.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
If this were the 50s...
This in from Dolo:
My mother has always had a “You Can’t Take It With You” attitude toward money. However, I’m a bit more cautious, and this puzzles her no end. So we were having a conversation in which she suggested that I get a jumbo flat-screen TV. (In her defense, I’m still using a 19-inch Toshiba I bought in 1995. I’m waiting for it to break before I replace it.) I said, I didn’t think so, cause it would involve buying a stand as well as a TV, and you know, the one I have works just fine.” And finally she said, “You know, you’re perfectly generous with other people, but you’re very stingy with yourself.” I couldn’t make out whether or not this was a compliment, until she added, “If this were the 50’s, you’d be a nun.”
Top That Mom.
My mother has always had a “You Can’t Take It With You” attitude toward money. However, I’m a bit more cautious, and this puzzles her no end. So we were having a conversation in which she suggested that I get a jumbo flat-screen TV. (In her defense, I’m still using a 19-inch Toshiba I bought in 1995. I’m waiting for it to break before I replace it.) I said, I didn’t think so, cause it would involve buying a stand as well as a TV, and you know, the one I have works just fine.” And finally she said, “You know, you’re perfectly generous with other people, but you’re very stingy with yourself.” I couldn’t make out whether or not this was a compliment, until she added, “If this were the 50’s, you’d be a nun.”
Top That Mom.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Squids are Mothers Too
This is slight divergence for Top That Mom but stay with me. After reading the NY Times article on the colossal squid with the biggest animal eyes in the world I naturally had to read the squid blog post http://blog.tepapa.govt.nz/2008/04/30/btw-its-agirl/ The research involving the giant squid takes place in New Zealand. The original Top Mom is a kiwi. Kismet? Perhaps. So the kiwis are poking around this giant squid and they discover it is a “girl” with loads of eggs. So the giant squid theoretically was a mom as some point. Get it? Or is it too late on a Friday afternoon?
Now really, top that mom.
Now really, top that mom.
Testing One, Two
This one from Gillian:
My mother was shown a YouTube video of a wedding dance and wanted me to see it as well. She called me over to the computer and double clicked her browser which opened to Yahoo. In the Yahoo search bar she typed Google. She clicked on the Google link and in the Google search bar she typed YouTube. Then, she clicked YouTube link and in the YouTube search bar she typed "wedding dance."
Along the same lines, a few months ago I received this email from my mother:
Subject: Testing
"Hi! I'm just checking out the Bcc (blind carbon copy) way of sending messages, so just delete this after you get it--thanks!"
A few minutes later, this email:
Subject: Testing 2
"Hi Monk,
I shouldn't have said to delete the first e-mail. Do you remember if there were other names listed with yours?"
Top that mom (on the computer)
My mother was shown a YouTube video of a wedding dance and wanted me to see it as well. She called me over to the computer and double clicked her browser which opened to Yahoo. In the Yahoo search bar she typed Google. She clicked on the Google link and in the Google search bar she typed YouTube. Then, she clicked YouTube link and in the YouTube search bar she typed "wedding dance."
Along the same lines, a few months ago I received this email from my mother:
Subject: Testing
"Hi! I'm just checking out the Bcc (blind carbon copy) way of sending messages, so just delete this after you get it--thanks!"
A few minutes later, this email:
Subject: Testing 2
"Hi Monk,
I shouldn't have said to delete the first e-mail. Do you remember if there were other names listed with yours?"
Top that mom (on the computer)
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Just an Idea!
This just in from Alexandra Koerte:
I am one of three girls and we range in age from 24 – 28. Here’s email all three of us received this morning from my mother, who is very concerned that none of us will ever get married:
Subject: How I Met Dad
I had been dating several men over a few years who I know were not marriage material. Many of my college girl friends were getting married and my circle of friends was dwindling in terms in terms of singles. I had met a few ‘outsiders’ (i.e. new) people via work and social events (I did go to a lot of balls). Anyway, I called up one of those outsiders/friends and told him that I need to meet new men as I had broken up with Morgan (who he knew). He said, "Well, why don't we go out?” I said, "No. I like you as a good friend, but I am not interested in dating you." Well, we agreed that I would have a party and that I would invite girls and that he would bring several single men who I did not know. One of those men was Ludwig!
The rest is history.
Now, surely, you girls can do the same!
For example, Andrea, have your friend Matt tell his brother to bring all his medical friends to your apartment for a party. I know you have already met him and some of his friends but perhaps there are more! You could have just a little cocktail party in that party room in your building! You could invite your single girl friends and see what happens. You have nothing to lose...
It doesn't have to be a big party...I only had about 12 people total.
JUST an IDEA!!
Love,
MOM
Top that mom (by email)
I am one of three girls and we range in age from 24 – 28. Here’s email all three of us received this morning from my mother, who is very concerned that none of us will ever get married:
Subject: How I Met Dad
I had been dating several men over a few years who I know were not marriage material. Many of my college girl friends were getting married and my circle of friends was dwindling in terms in terms of singles. I had met a few ‘outsiders’ (i.e. new) people via work and social events (I did go to a lot of balls). Anyway, I called up one of those outsiders/friends and told him that I need to meet new men as I had broken up with Morgan (who he knew). He said, "Well, why don't we go out?” I said, "No. I like you as a good friend, but I am not interested in dating you." Well, we agreed that I would have a party and that I would invite girls and that he would bring several single men who I did not know. One of those men was Ludwig!
The rest is history.
Now, surely, you girls can do the same!
For example, Andrea, have your friend Matt tell his brother to bring all his medical friends to your apartment for a party. I know you have already met him and some of his friends but perhaps there are more! You could have just a little cocktail party in that party room in your building! You could invite your single girl friends and see what happens. You have nothing to lose...
It doesn't have to be a big party...I only had about 12 people total.
JUST an IDEA!!
Love,
MOM
Top that mom (by email)
Purple Shorts and the Right Shoes
This from my friend Mark...
My mother grew up in Chicago and she travelled infrequently. She never left the country, and after a move to Arizona, rarely left the state. So she really didn't know how a place like New York City worked. It was 1989, and the City was still pretty grungy, so she had a few worries when I announced I was moving there to go to school.
Her first concern was that I should not embarrass her, in any way: "I don't want to see you on TV wearing purple shorts!"
This also points to some weird mom instinct: Though I did not own purple shorts, I still had not come out of the closet. So perhaps she sensed I might be inclined to own shorts that were purple.
But when the move was finally imminent – I was leaving the next week – she finally broke down completely.
"You can't go!" she declared.
"Why?"
"Because you're not prepared!"
"I am prepared," I said. "I have everything in order."
"You don't! You're not prepared!" she insisted. "You don't have the right shoes!"
Top that mom.
My mother grew up in Chicago and she travelled infrequently. She never left the country, and after a move to Arizona, rarely left the state. So she really didn't know how a place like New York City worked. It was 1989, and the City was still pretty grungy, so she had a few worries when I announced I was moving there to go to school.
Her first concern was that I should not embarrass her, in any way: "I don't want to see you on TV wearing purple shorts!"
This also points to some weird mom instinct: Though I did not own purple shorts, I still had not come out of the closet. So perhaps she sensed I might be inclined to own shorts that were purple.
But when the move was finally imminent – I was leaving the next week – she finally broke down completely.
"You can't go!" she declared.
"Why?"
"Because you're not prepared!"
"I am prepared," I said. "I have everything in order."
"You don't! You're not prepared!" she insisted. "You don't have the right shoes!"
Top that mom.
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